I am doing Estradiol Enanthate Monotherapy so I have to inject 0.37ml(14,8mg EEn) every 14 days.
17th april 2025 first day of hrt.
Accidently did a smaller dose because I tried to get the air bubbles out and lost like 0.15ml... oopsie ._.
So that must have been 8mg EEn. It was scary but actually didnt hurt at all and was easy besides the whole bubble thing. It's okay, it was my first time.
I feel... i don't know. Part of me is happy but part of me is anxious and scared. Hopefully as time goes on I learn to feel my emotions more and hopefully more clearly.
One thing I know I am is relieved. I have now officially (& illegally, kinda) started transitioning medically.
It will be great and it will be difficult at times, but so is every other aspect of my life.
I love myself and I am proud of myself for even getting this far. Trans Joy. Power and courage to all and any other trans folk who have somehow found this page.
We are stronger together. I love you.
27th april 2025 it's been 10 days. Just took my second shot and im about to go to sleep. The sun is up... I stayed up all night.
This time I took 0.3ml, so around 12mg EEn. I forgot to take more than needed before pushing the air back into the vial but otherwise all went fine.
I guess I am working my way up to the intended dosage lol.
The past week has been weird, but because of other things. Bad sleep, wisdom teeth acting up, foggy weather brought a bit of confusion which most of my peers also experienced.
I have noticed changes in my libido and erections. Less horny even when turned on, and the erections are a little less intense in a way. I still get "morning wood" though.
Otherwise, I've been feeling quite disphoric and have not been presenting as feminine this past week. It's not so easy.
This week I plan on waxing my legs and arms. The hair has been bothering me.
I had to cut my beautiful nails. Some broke and I almost accidentally ripped one off.
I guess it was time but god my fingers feel weird and look so much uglier like this. Thumbs especially.
25th may 2025 Self-confidence gain :)
Took a little over 0.3ml, pushed a bit into the needle before remembering I had to switch needles. A bit over 12mg EEn, I have to be a little more careful not to have my dosage vary so much.
After about 3/4 of the needle being inserted my left thigh had a slight involuntary contraction, but there was no pain and no unusual amount of blood after taking the needle out. So all went rather well.
I am doing quite good, I have been going out more and doing my makeup more often. I am on average more confident in myself.
I have gained new confidence in my walk and general gesturing. I believe they have improved a lot. Even if they haven't, at least I am not so insecure about them as I used to be.
Sure I still put a lot of thought into the way I move, but it takes time to get used to moving a certain way (which I don't feel pressured to do, moving with a certain grace and confidence genuinely makes me feel a lot better).
I have watched the first season of "POSE" in the past few days and I LOVE it. It was recommended to me by members of the estonian ballroom scene who hosted a Paris is Burning watch party and conversation. I will attend a Kiki Ball next friday.(didn't)
I used to be afraid of the scene since I don't know it well and associated it very strongly to gay men culture, but I had not realised that trans women were such a big part of it and I feel like it could be a great space to experience and grow in as a tgirl.
Sadly I am leaving Estonia soon so I won't have further opportunities to attend in Tallin for a long time, but I figure I could always do so whenever I come visit in the future.
Otherwise body-wise I feel like my breasts are very slightly growing but I don't feel pain or as much sensitivity as I did at first. Maybe I got used to it a little, or maybe it comes in waves. It do be puberty after all.
I have been tweezing and shaving a lot more than I used to and it does not make me as dysphoric as it used to, I dedicate a lot of time everyday to self-care and that feels pretty good, I obviously still hate my facial hair and all the struggles it brings me though, don't get me wrong.
My mother seems quite worried and badly informed about transitioning, but at the same time isn't really ready to talk about it more with me unless it's to make broad accusatory statements about me rejecting what she granted me at birth or whatever.
I'll give her some time, I know she is well intentioned but it kind of sucks to have to deal with that. Could be a lot worse though.
Lastly, I have suddently noticed that I crave sugar and chocolate way more. I have to watch myself because I can't afford so many little treats xS
8th june 2025 back in germany
All went well, 0.35ml 14mg EEn, hard to know the exact dosage with 2ml syringes but that's all the pharmacy has.
I am okay. I miss my friends from Tallinn very much and after having gotten kinda used to my room here again,
loneliness is creeping in.
I don't want to smoke weed everyday, I have almost none anymore, don't have a dealer nor money to spend on that. Could get it legally too I guess but really I don't want to make it a habit.
I spoke to my mom today and we had a really nice conversation. She's being quite accepting and supportive.
I had an amazing time before leaving Tallinn, very fun parties with friends and a lot of emotion. A bunch of crying with Val, a lot of laughing with everyone and quite a bit of pain too.
When I arrived in Karlsruhe I was an emotional wreck and cried a lot.
At least it's nice to be able to release it, I love crying.
I'm not at my most confident but work went well and I guess it's hard to be confident in my room in pyjamas with an unshaven, naked face.
Today I'm a bit frustrated artistically, I have some ideas but I feel they are not good enough somehow and blablabla I guess I'm just feeling insecure today.
Twin Peaks on CRT is sick though :3
22nd june 2025 2 months on hrt
Around 0.33-.35ml.13-14mg EEn.
Started crying right after I took the needle out, probably from the release of anxiety of injecting idk.
These 2 weeks have been high highs and low lows. I think I might be starting to notice and feel the influences of the hormonal cycle, as in that around the time estrogen is peaking,
I feel really great and energetic and creative. But the following week, as the levels drop so does my mood/mental stability. I struggle with self-care and feel guilty for it, feel a lot more dysphoric.
This past week I drank and/or smoked for now 5 maybe 6 days straight, which is surely not helping overall. I cannot tell if it is a result or a cause of my struggle. Honestly, it surely is a bit of both.
Still at times I have managed to feel great, yes I was high in those moments but at least it was a respite from this numb shitscape of a week.
On a more positive note I want to emphasize how great last weekend was and how amazingly creative and powerful I felt. So much pride, energy, productivity and hope.
My next challenge is to find a way to carry more of that into difficult periods and to cope in mayhaps healthier ways. Go outside girl talk to some people irl touch some grass for fucks sake,
you are not a secluded nun nor in solitary confinement and it is also fine to not be in full glam going out sometimes, people do not care like you do and it would do you some good to let yourself be the freakish early transition creature that you are a little more openly.
6th july 2025 cursed with facial hair
0.375ml, maybe a little bit more?15mg EEn.
Went quite well.
Hmm honestly these past two weeks have been fine. I have kept myself busy by going to the etching workshop at the academy and am very proud of the resulting print."Sacrifice" which will probably be up on the website someday.
I have gotten somewhat used to the hot weather, allowed myself to wear fuckass summer outfits (shorts and shirt/tank top) and have managed not to feel too disphoric about that.
This upcoming week will be a little colder which I am incredibly happy about.
My long date ennemy, facial hair, has gotten stronger and is troubling me much more lately. I have to fight razor burn and beard shadow and whatnot and it's quite bad.
I bought new blades for my razor and will try switching them more often, as well as generally putting more care into shaving properly.
I asked Demeter from Druid Stone about tricks on that and she recommended getting a good balm and applying it everytime I shave or wash my face. Sounds like a good idea, I'll hopefully not forget to look into that.
Putting my hair up and back in buns has been a godsend. Even if it doesnt look super cool or out there, it is feminizing when done well and does suit me. I like how it also emphasizes the makeup in a way.
Oh. I have been not physically horny but mentally yes indeed. I am c r a v i n g the feeling of a woman's softness. Just to hold eachother and be close and cuddly and maybe kiss.... if god wills.
I feel so gay it's not okay I am in awe at the sight of woman multiple times a day in a way that leaves me speachless. I melt in admiration.
yeah yeah
Otherwise.. Picmix has been so fun but also makes me realise how easily I get obsessed.
The formating of this html file is pityful. This is all over the place and I do not care.
Last but not least cigarettes have started being an issue, I have to be real careful to not actually get addicted and I'm not far from it.
I've managed to resist buying some for myself and on days I do not work or hang with people who smoke, I can handle the cravings just fine.
still scary.
21st july 2025 social life, 3 months on hrt
0.375ml, around there 15mg EEn.
Went very well.
Overall quite a fun two weeks, have been spending time with friends and meeting new people. Smoking weed and cigarettes more than I should.
Been out a lot, drinking is kinda moderate. I have spent time with friends everyday maybe except tuesday this week. So much more than i am used to, but fun.
I sort of have a crush on this girl... but it makes me feel very self-conscious because I am not sure how she percieves me. I try to keep my hopes down and just enjoy the time I get to spend with her.
Unrelated, but my sex drive is coming back in ways, I am finding new things that turn me on, which I am so happy with because I was worried about my libido staying as low as it has been the past few months.
I guess it's mostly a matter of getting to know myself in that way again. Exploring and rediscovering. How don't know how I would feel with someone else though. I need more time figuring the stuff out for myself.
Over the past few days having few clean clothes and less time to myself I have managed to care a little less about how I am dressed and found simple ways of presenting myself that don't make me feel super dysphoric.
Still would rather be dressed up, but sometimes it's just not practical or possible. So yeahhh i'm doing alright, not very productive AT ALL but it's summer and I get to enjoy that a little :3
Hopefully I learn to balance spending more time out and being a little productive and working in a way that feels natural and efficient for me. Oh! I took and had a dentist's appointment, and tomorrow have one at the doctor.
I have to ask a few questions about my physical health and mainly get a blood test appointment. I hope I can have it in two weeks, would be perfect.
3rd august 2025 yearning...
probably closer to 0.35 14-15mg EEn.
Went very well.
Doing good, being social, being generally very accepted and integrated with the girls :)). Little bit of transphobic experiences here and there but only with strangers, and nothing too bad.
I am trying to gain a little weight since I had lost 10kg from january to june from eating too little. I'm aiming to gain around 5kg volontarily, by eating more (what's typically a normal healthy diet)
to reach around 70kg bodyweight. From then on i'll do my best maintaining good dietary habits and let my body do it's thing. I really don't care about how much I weigh.
I hope the gained fat will go to the right places lol. I do think my thighs are getting somewhat bigger, and chest growth is continuing slowly but surely, steadily enough as far as i can tell.
I struggle with the necessary masturbation (to upkeep pp). Idk i'm just not that horny, I don't care and would rather not have to watch porn, it rarely actually turns me on anymore.
That being said I don't feel asexual in anyway, would the right opportunity present itself I would 100% be in the mood. It's just that the way my libido works has changed.
Otherwise... yearning... crushing... no need to say more than she treats me so right. It's almost unbelievable. The new friends I've made really are nice. They see me as a person before a trans person,
and that is felt in the way they interact with me. It's refreshing.
I have been drinking way way less, am in control of my cannabis consumption and am trying to limit the amount of cigarettes I smoke to be less and less, to kill the habit a little.
Omg! I almost forgot about the doctor/endo update. So my doctor refused to prescribe me a blood test since I'm not supervised by an Endo. Cool right?
I get it but it genuinely sucks. At least, he's prescribed me with a visit to an Endo. I have to find one myself, which has proved borderline imposssible since they are all booked out for monthsss.
So I've found a clinic to do the blood test at, will interpret the results myself (DIY yay :$).
I'll still book an appointment with an endo that's nearby for like... next spring? whenever they have time for me i guess lol.
Oh and I'm hot af btw it's insane.